Ham Stories
From N4UJW, Don Butler

Three brothers ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. He puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs and says "Was I getting in or out?" The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses. Then he yells "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old HAM is sitting in front of his HF rig and listening to his brothers. He shakes his head picks up the mic and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good measure. He then yells into the mic, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door".
 
Two elderly hams had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures on the ham bands. Lately, their activities have been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name and your call.! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember them. Please tell me what they are." His friend glared at him. For at least three minutes he just stared and glared at the gray haired old man.. Finally he said, "How soon do you need to know?
 
An elderly ham and his XYL were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old ham back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her posterior was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . .please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!"
 
An old, old ham was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his XYL slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON'T TOUCH THOSE-they're for the funeral!"
 
A ham is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road, his antennas flapping in the breeze and flopping into the other lane. A YL is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the YL narrowly missed them and leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The ham immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If men would only listen!!!.
 
My Ham friend called the FCC to tell them he had moved and wanted to change his address on the FCC records from Texas to Vermont. The woman at the FCC who took the call asked where Vermont was. As my Ham friend tried to explain, she interrupted and said, ``Look, I'm not stupid or anything, just tell me what state is it in?''
 
An elderly ham driver was going down the interstate when suddenly his 2 meter rig crackled his call...Answering...he heard a fellow ham's urgent warning....."Hey Elmer, just heard on the news that there's a car going down I 40 the wrong way, please be careful"!! Elmer replied,"Well I'll declare, it's not just one.......there's hundreds of them'!!!!!!!!!
 
YOU MIGHT BE A HAM IF........
    1. Your wife said, "Let's go see Aunt Anna", and you thought she said Antenna!
    2. Your wife said, "Could you cut the grass?", and you thought she said pound the brass!
    3. Your wife said, "We've been invited to breakfast", and you thought she said hamfest!
    4. Your wife said, "Something is wrong with the check book", and you thought she said log book!
    5. Your wife said, "Is my seam straight?", and you thought she said, 'Is my beam straight?'
    6. You might be hard of hearing too!!
 
A ham named Elmer lived with his XYL named Sue. While at the QTH one night, Sue suddenly went QRT. (died). Elmer picked up the phone, and called 911 and reported that his wife had just died and could someone come over to pick her up. The operator asked for his address and Elmer said he lived on the end of Eucalyptus Lane...she asked him to spell that. There was a long pause on the end of the line and then Elmer said. "how about I just drag her over to Oak Street and you meet me there"!!
 
Bubba and Earl, two really dumb redneck Hams, were in a local Wal-Mart store looking for Ham gear. Upon not finding any, they decided to look around a bit. They stumbled upon a weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each learned that he had won a prize. Earl won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed and the men met back at Wal-Mart, again, looking for Ham Radio goodies. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti, but is sure is hard to solder and keep up in the air!" Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

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